It’s no secret. I am a HUGE Britney Spears fan, and maybe a little bias toward her, but why shouldn’t I be? Britney came bursting onto the scene in 1999 after spending the majority of her life performing for the Mickey Mouse Club, Star Search, and anywhere else her parents could fit her in. The girl was a bonafide superstar in the making and she completely lived up to all expectations.

For the record:

·  Spears is in the Guinness Book of World Records as having the best-selling album by a teenage solo artist.

·  She is also in the Book of Records for having five albums debut at number one.

·  Marked for being the best-selling teenage artist of all-time.

·  As of 2011 she hit the mark for selling over 100 million albums worldwide, making her one of the best-selling music artists of all-time.

·  Ranked 4^th on VH1’s “50 Greatest Women of the Video Era show list.”

·  Recognized as the best-selling female artist of the first decade of the 21^st century, we well as the fifth overall. 

All great writers know the importance of setting up the facts before diving into the opinion pool. So now that the facts have been laid on the table, I am standing on the edge of the diving board and about to plunge head first into the water, making the biggest splash I possibly can. After all, nobody notices when someone does a swan dive, but when the jerk jumps in that gets your towel wet and chlorine in your cocktail, that’s when you take note. 

As many of you have noticed by now, Ms. Spears will be sitting at the judges table this fall as part of the hit singing competition franchise, The X Factor. Not only that, but she becomes the highest paid reality show judge of any competition franchise. The backlash and outrage over this has been catastrophic. Over and over again you hear the same tired remarks of “But she can’t even sing” and “Can’t wait to see this train wreck.” But aside from all of the bountiful statistics provided for you from the start, I can give you 3 solid reasons why Britney is not only an X Factor judge, but an X Factor in the industry, thus making her the perfect fit for the gig.

1.       Everyone screws up: We know, we know. Britney married a back-up dancer, drove with her baby on her lap once, went clubbing a few times with Paris Hilton, shaved her head, and beat up paparazzi with an umbrella. But let’s look at this a little closer:

a.       Jennifer Lopez, current judge on American Idol also married one of her back-up dancers, Cris Judd (no that was not a typo, he really does spell his name stupidly like that), and is currently dating a back-up dancer 20 years her younger. Girlfriend didn’t even learn from her mistakes, at least B moved on to a manager.

b.      Have you ever been to Louisiana? Car seats are a foreign language to people down there and Brit was just buckling up her young one the only way she knew how. You can’t help how you were raised.

c.       If Paris Hilton wanted to take you clubbing, would you say no? Sure she might be a little annoying, but music in those places is loud, you wouldn’t have to hear her talk. And think of the lavish VIP club suite that would come of it. Britney doesn’t know that she has money and can afford things like this on her own, which is why she still shops at Coach Outlet and Forever 21. At the time, this sounded like an awesome idea, and I have to say I would have done the same thing.

d.      G.I. Jane anyone? Demi Moore rocked the hell out of the no hair look, and maybe Britney just wanted to try it on for size. What’s the shame in experimentation?

e.      Finally, every star in the worlds wants to beat up the paparazzi, Halle Berry just took a stab at it the other day right in front of her daughter’s pre-school, and what kind of example does that set for the children who witnessed? In my opinion that’s much worse, and nobody had anything to say about that. 

All joking aside, Britney went through a rough spot, but who hasn’t? Have you seen Christina Aguilera in the last couple years? Who forgets the National Anthem at the SUPERBOWL? Brit’s mayhem was 4 years ago and she has since shown ample improvement with two international sell-out tours and chart topping albums. She is engaged to a great guy, has two adorable kids who love her, and is back on top of the world, so I think it’s safe to say we all need to move the hell on and start focusing on why Christina never wears clothes now that she’s chubby and why J LO is dating someone who was in 3^rd grade when she filmed Selena.

2.       Have you seen her Star Search Performance? Sure Britney lip syncs now, I am not trying to deny that, and yes she has been doing so for the past several years. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t know music. Brit first began doing that, not because she couldn’t sing, but because her complicated choreography was tiresome and makes singing a challenge when performing live. To this day, nobody can put on a show like Britney, and it turning off her mic is what it takes, then so be it.

It’s rumored that Jessica Simpson passed out backstage right before her Mickey Mouse audition because she was so intimidated by the voices of Britney and Christina. And anyone who saw Brit’s Star Search performance would not be surprised by that. She was an incredible vocalist and likely spent years tuning her voice and practicing music. Her first three albums and endless awards show performances showcase her abilities beautifully, and anyone who says she can’t and never could sing is a complete moron. Britney is not tone deaf, and she will absolutely have no problem coaching aspiring artists, giving constructive comments, and choosing the best talent.

3.       Human Interest – Last night I was watching “The 10 Greatest Stories Ever Told” on E! Channel and the life of Britney Spears was number 3. Love her or hate her, people love to talk about her, and that alone will bring much needed ratings to an otherwise stale TV Show.

The Voice on NBC is doing well because current and relevant celebrities like Blake Shelton and Adam Levine are on the judging panel. People tune in each week to watch them more than the acts themselves, and I think we will see the same thing happen with Britney. Paula Abdul, Steven Tyler and Nicole Scherzinger (otherwise known as that girl from the Pussycat Dolls) are old news and not nearly as interesting. It’s hard to tell what the future holds, but for Britney it’s a well-deserved $15 million payday.

Disclaimer: Before this blog begins I would just like to say that Tristan Smith is hot, perfect and awesome.  And judging by the alcohol content in the household, I am willing to bet that she can not only turn water into wine, but she can also turn it into Jägermeister, vodka, tequila and Bud Light.

Great. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, maybe some of you can actually read this post without having a panic attack and can retweet it without suffering the “consequences”. 

First and foremost, let me just say that this episode was fantastic. People I thought I hated I suddenly like, people that cast members thought they liked are suddenly hated, and it was just one big shit storm after another… but in the best way possible. 

Erica (with a C) is to Collin, What Michael Myers is to Jamie Lee Curtis: What made the Halloween movies so terrifying? Was it the white mask? The crazy hair? The slow creepy walk? The blank stare with the awkward head tilt right before he would cut his victims to ribbons? No. Not even the infamous musical score that is almost everyone’s ringtone the month of October is what is most scary about the Halloween franchise. It’s the fact that NO MATTER WHAT, he keeps coming back. Dude will get shot, fall from a 10-story building, get his head chopped off, be burned alive AND STILL come back for more. This is Erica in a nutshell (or should I say in a nut house?).

After the first night of making a fool out of myself and puking all over the couch, I would have called it quits. But I guess I don’t have what it takes to compete in the grand Olympics of stalking. After the second night of hanging out and watching Collin (the guy I’m there to see) blatantly hit on Devin right in front of me and Kristina coming in the next morning to witness my walk-of-shame hair/outfit, even most stalkers would have called it quits – but no, not this one. Bitch is persistent. 

But what happens when the guy you are stalking tells you point blank that he isn’t interested, doesn’t want to be anything more than friends, and uses the tone of, “I think you should leave, but I’m not saying those words exactly.” – Then what? Probably time to go right? Delete the guy’s number? No, Erica decides to stick around. Scope out the situation. The situation is this: Collin has moved on to bigger and better things (aka Tara). So what does she do? Start shit with Tara. 

By now, everyone has migrated from calling you a psycho behind your back during the on-screen interviews, to just calling you one to your face. To me, that defines rock bottom. You were once on top of the cliff, you toyed with falling off, you tripped, you fell and you hit the ground so hard it caused an earthquake in Kuwait. The average person would lie there defeated or dead, but remember, Erica is superhuman and indestructible, so the only logical move is to begin digging a hole for yourself – a great, big hole (and sadly, not one for hiding in). 

She barrels into the bathroom to attack Tara, starts a fight with her outside, makes a complete mockery of herself and then does the most shameful thing any one person could do in that situation – STILL go back to the house where everyone hates you, but this time, as sloppy seconds to Jersey Jeff. Now she is not only the psycho, crazy, stalker that she was before, but also the Southern Nights pass-around chic. #FAIL

Thank you Erica. It is girls like you that keep perfectly good men from entering relationships with perfectly good women due to fear of psycho girl syndrome. Similar to the way Halloween movies will forever keep me from ever letting my kids trick-or-treat alone. 

Tara is to Bitch Fight, what Adam Richmond is to eating challenges: Sara – oh, what? Tara? With a T? – did you take a class on girl fights? Because you are awesome at it. Sweet Home Alabama was a great sneak peak at what we could expect from you, and believe me, my single favorite moment from that season was your kitchen brawl in defense of Cassie’s perfection, but one episode in on Southern Nights and you completely made up for what we missed after Tribble sent you packing. 

I’ve always said the best way to wage a war with a crazy girl is to just keep quiet as she yells and give her a look that blatantly says, “You are retarded and look like an idiot.” I swear you must practice this look in the mirror daily because you had it so down pat that I started to feel like the idiot who was retarded, and I was on the other end of the TV keeping quiet, so I can only imagine how she felt. And seriously, your name, not that hard. She was clearly messing it up to piss you off, so your subtle “Does your name start with a ‘P’” comment was executed perfectly and fueled her fire effortlessly. Bravo my friend. 

P.S. Tara you taught me a very valuable lesson this week. “The little latch on the back of the bathroom door, yeah lock it!” – Yes, lock it indeed. You never know when a crazy creepy girl is going to come barging in. Note made.

Cassie is to Southern Nights, what Jayhawk Basketball is to the state of Kansas: I do a lot of traveling to places all over the world. And when I tell people I am from Kansas they will ALWAYS say one of two things. Either the less preferred option of, “Do you know Dorothy and Toto?” or the best option of course, “Oh, you guys are good at basketball.” YES! BINGO! We are awesome, thank you for noticing. 

Without Jayhawk Basketball Kansas would be a plot of land with wheat fields, tornadoes and cow dung. Without Cassie, Southern Nights would be taken over by southern accents or city flare. Cassie brings the perfect blend of both sides, just as Midwesterners tend to do, and she does it with class.

Despite all the beautiful moments in this week’s episode, her Joe College shirt (only a KU person knows what that means) talking smack on Kansas State with huge “KANSAS” block letters was shear brilliance and by far my pick of the week for best moment.  Thanks for putting Kansas back on the map!

Those were the key moments of this week’s episode, but I cannot say goodbye without first listing the best quotes:

“He gave him a 2-piece McNugget right to the face.” – Jersey Jeff on Collin’s street brawl.

“Guys in the OC really don’t want to fight ‘cause they’ll rip their Dolce and Gabbana shirt.” – Kristina on Collin’s street brawl. 

“That’s as screwed up as a soup sandwich.” – Cody with Jersey Jeff.

“Anything that you do to Jersey Jeff is funny.” – Devin after hog-tying Jeff, then following it up with, “No, that was not flirting.”

“You are getting lasagna all up in your feathers.” – Cassie to a highly intoxicated Kristina.

See ya’ll next week!

For those of you who tuned in to the wonderful world of “Truth Hurts” last week, you got an inside look at the men of Southern Nights - I originally typed “beautiful men” but then realized Collin is not plural. 

Men are easy, what you see is what you get. But I needed a little more time to accurately assess the women, and this week’s episode gave me exactly what I was looking for. So, with that being said, as promised, we are going to take a look at the ladies of the house now. 

As another woman, I do realize we have a tendency to judge one another harsher than the American civilians judge Al-Qaeda , but please note that I am far too high on myself to tear down another girl simply because of her beauty, so you can actually take what I say at face value.  

Note: While typing your names it startled me that I not only knew them all, both first and last, but I also knew how to spell them. This means I have already spent far too much time blogging about them from SHA2 #INeedAHobby

The Girls:

Snooki (Kristina “OCLicious” Kraus): Is it ironic to anyone else that all the players in this game are for the most part “country” other than Jersey Jeff and OCLicious, two people that could easily pass as stunt doubles for Snooki and The Situation? This tells us what? MTV Productions made damn sure America’s two beloved Jersey Shore cast members would make it onto the show, because let’s face it, it wouldn’t be funny without them. So let’s just get it over with now, and start with the most obvious comparison.

Everyone fell in love with Snooki for a reason. She is the comedic relief of the show. Her timing, her energy, her phrases, and hell, her personality are what kept the show running. Kristina with a K is no exception – and I am going to take it a step further even, and say she is actually FUNNIER than Snooki. Calling Collin’s one-night-stand out for gracefully doing the walk of shame is brilliant. Needing to call 911 for your nails, but not Tex’s bleeding penis is perfection. Snooki can be “meatball” all she wants, because OCLicious is Cowgirl Barbie and doing things bigger, better and with a lot less cellulite!  

JWOWW (Devin Grissom): Has anyone ever heard JWOWW say anything? 

Wait. Let me rephrase that. 

Has anyone ever heard JWOWW say anything funny, clever or cunning? No. 

Sure there’s the occasional “hey, what’s going on” or “where are we going tonight”, but other than that Jennie’s main function is to stay quiet and have an awesome body. This is what we get from Devin. When Devin talks she becomes much less attractive. I think it’s best for everyone involved if she continues to hang out in the hot tub with a white string bikini and cowgirl hat, give Collin messages and stare off into the sunset. Keep being the beauty you are Devin and let Cassie, Courtney and Kristina do the talking (note that Tristan was left off this list, as she too shall remain quiet).

Deena (Courtney Wilkerson): Dear Courtney, if there is anything I will regret doing in this day, it will be calling you Deena. I realize that is an insult beyond measure, but give me a minute to explain myself.

My friends and I refer to this Jersey strumpet as “Deena the Dude”, mostly because she looks like a 45-year-old male transvestite, but also because she is more or less, one of the guys. I am not sure if that’s because nobody is willing to sleep with her or if she is actually cool and fun to be around, but nonetheless if Jersey Shore were Titanic she would have stayed behind for cigars and brandy with the men folk.

In this week’s episode we see that Courtney is similarly following suit. All the girls had a night in to drool over Collin and give him a bath, while Courtney went clubbing with the guys. I think this is a great roll for Courtney because she seems super chill, entirely uninterested in the guys of the house, and one more person in that hot tub touching Collin’s body would have been a little much.

Side note: THANK YOU CMT for FINALLY differentiating between Tristan and Courtney! One is annoying and one is not. We got it now! The clarification is greatly appreciated.

Sammi (Tristan Smith): Due to the fact I could go off on an extremely long tangent about this one (partly due to bitterness still that Tribble chose her for God knows what reason) I will do my best to keep it brief. In fact, I feel a poem coming on:

Sammi is cute, Sammi is sweet,

Sammi is pretty, but soon comes deceit.

Her boyfriend is great and incredibly caring,

But Sami is dramatic and way overbearing. 

Tristan and Sammi are exactly the same,

She consistently nags, and drives Cody insane.

Since she can’t calm down and just play it cool,

CMT got wise, and sent her to school.

Thank you CMT for taking this one off our hands.

Donnie and Marie Osmond (Cassie Rupp): Last but certainly not least, we have Cassie Rupp, who is a little bit country and a little bit Rock N’ Roll. One minute she is wearing flannel shirts and cowgirl hats, the next she has on motorcycle boots, a Van Halen T-shirt and neon feathers in her hair. But no matter the look – she rocks it with perfection.

I have no idea where Cassie fits into this whole picture, but without her the show would go awry. Every guy in the house has a crush on this one, so without her, Courtney couldn’t be the dude, Tristan couldn’t be the house wife, Devin couldn’t be the damsel in distress and OClicious couldn’t be the comedic relief – they would all be too busy fending off horny southern roommates and involved in messy love triangles. Cassie keeps the peace by having everyone in love with her and occupying the thoughts of all the males in the house (except one that is – the one she is actually interested in).

Flex: You can work her out all you want, but at the end of the day she got a free training session and you are none the richer.

Tex: You are even more screwed than Flex. Not only are you entirely out of her league, which she expressed to you with no hesitation, but if I learned anything from “Hey Arnold” on Nickelodeon it was that Helga repeatedly calling Arnold “football head” never made him like her. You don’t call the girl you’re into “flabby” EVER. Especially, when you yourself are flabby! Jesus Crist. I need to move on to the next one.

Jersey Jeff: You surprisingly have a little hope. You aren’t the hottest guy for miles, but you’re fun and cool and that goes a long way with Cassie. It’ll be interesting to see how that ends up.

Collin: Cassie, this is your bad. You have expressed to EVERYONE, even the camera men, that you are interested in Collin, except you have said NOTHING to Collin. If he is hangin’ out with pukey gym receptionist who reminds me a great deal of the girl at band camp from American Pie, then he would definitely go for you. Those first few days were your window of opportunity man, and you let Devin’s wishy washy ways take over. But I think this could have been a great match.

Before I conclude this assessment I have a few partying thoughts I would like to end with:

-        Does anyone know why Mandy Sanders and Ashley Vickers were not asked to me on this show? I really hope that CMT finds it in their hearts to bring them around for an episode or two. Oh the possibilities. I see that Tara will be on next week, so that gives me hope.

-        If Tribble was randomly brought onto the show, do you think he would go for Cassie or Courtney? Both were let go at the same time and a part of the Final Four. Hmmmmm.

-        Did anyone else think that girl that TEX brought home this week might have actually been a man? 

-        Cassie, Jeff, and Cody – your impressions of Kristina, Cody and Jeff respectively were nothing short of perfection. So to end on that note, I will part ways with a quote from Cassie as OCLicious:

**Glitter kisses kittens**

Ok, I will admit it *covers eyes, mumbles under breath* I kind of like the show “Jersey Shore”. Don’t make me repeat it, because I won’t say it again. But it’s true, after 5 seasons I hate to admit that I relished in every moment with those greasy, bronzed, bad mannered, ill tempered, dumb as rocks, sons of bitches.

I can’t really say why. Maybe it was the hilarious things that Snooki said, the ridiculous antics of the Situation, the great body of JWOWW or the sexy Vinny that drew me in. But whatever it was, I was captivated; WAS being the key phrase in that sentence. Would I watch a season 6? Not likely, and especially not now.

Say what you want about MTV Networks (I know I miss music videos and TRL too) but they know exactly what they’re doing. We’ve seen them do it time and time again – put people in a house of different dynamics, get them all liquored up and turn them loose. Whether it’s the Real World, Road Rules or Jersey Shore people are going to tune in. So why not keep the ball rolling, but this time take it one step further. What if the cast was actually attractive? What if the cast was actually educated? And WHAT IF they had southern accents? BOOM – instant recipe for CMT’s Southern Nights.

Below is my breakdown of why this show looks to play out exactly like Jersey Shore, except BETTER.

The Guys:

Mike “The Situation” (“Jersey” Jeff Miranda): This one is too easy, but we can’t ignore this key character.How can you have your Jersey Shore reboot without a Situation? Ab flashing, fist pumping, shot taking, hot tubbing – he does it all. Cody says he has more game than a PlayStation 3, but so far I would give him the equivalent of a Sega Dreamcast at best. Being kicked out of Cassie’s bed and hot tub grinding with a painfully ugly chubby chic will fail to impress anybody.

If Jeff is going to do himself (and the Jersey Shore population) any justice, he is going to need to upgrade his game to at least a Nintendo Wii, and like Mario Kart, he is going to need to start pushing the right buttons before he crashes and burns. Get on the right track Jeff, and if you’re going to keep pursuing Cassie, mind the curves!

Pauly D (Michael “Flex” Dean): Pauly D put the G in GTL. His ass was always up and dragging everyone else to the gym. Or was it the Laundromat? Regardless, his job was to stay quiet, have muscles and occasionally pick up chicks to bring back to the house. If Flex can stick to that persona and not wonder astray, we may not judge him for creepily being 31 and partying with people 10 years his younger, just as how we grew to stop judging Pauly D’s painfully hideous head of hair. 

Ronnie (Cody Harris): Everyone loved Ronnie at first and why wouldn’t they? He is cuddly as a teddy bear, sweeter than a gummy bear and his instant instinct to jump into a fight when one of his “boys” was in trouble showed some serious courage and charisma. The problem? His dramatic and overly emotional girlfriend ultimately led to his demise.

Cody is approximately the width and size of Ronnie’s left thigh, but no matter, his southern charm and whimsical smile make him downright irresistible. But undoubtedly his patience with Tristan will grow thin, and the viewer’s patience of watching him deal with her constant banter, then always taking her back, will grow not only thin, but anorexic. After a month in the house we may see him start to wish he had Cassie or Courtney on his arm (hey, at least then him and Tribble Reese will have something else in common!)

Vinny (Collin Varallo): Have you ever played that game where someone says, “If you had to hook up with any member of Jersey Shore who would it be?” The game is also frequently played with the cast of Friends, Gossip Girl, Beverly Hills 90210 and True Blood. But with all the other shows, answers can vary. With Jersey Shore, there is only one acceptable option, Vinny, and Southern Nights is no exception. 

The other guys have their own interesting spark, but Collin is far and away the best looking in the house. His submissive, seemingly romantic and mysterious demeanor (plus a big ol’ helping of southern charm) make him a hell of a catch, and if any of the other ladies have interest in him, they better move fast because Devin is back on his radar (as well as every other girl he meets at the bars, gym, etc.)

Randomly thrown in for some additional southern flare (Landon “Tex” Chase): With a name like “Tex” you can only be there for one reason and one reason alone – to put the south back into Southern Nights. The last time I saw that many checkers on a piece of cloth was at a family reunion picnic in 1996. But if he keeps getting into bar brawls, bleeding out of his schlong, and smiling like he has no idea what’s going on (because chances are he probably doesn’t), then we will be more than happy to keep him around for a few laughs. 

Stay tuned for my thoughts and opinions on the ladies of the house!

Twas the night before the ‘ship and all through Jayhawk nation,
Statuses had been updated with obvious elation.
The Fieldhouse had been prepped with the greatest of care,
… in the hopes that another banner would hang there.
The fans were nestled all snug in their beds,
… While visions of Withey’s blocks danced in their heads.
“I won’t turn it over!”, Tyshawn had vowed
and Mass Street stood ready for another great crowd.
Abruptly I woke with a frightening shock
Nightmares of a unibrow that you can’t help but mock.
Then suddenly to soothe me a figure appeared,
the enlightened know him as Coach of the Year.
Don’t worry, young lass, he said with great poise.
All you need is some faith in our Jayhawk boys.
The players are ready, the game plan discussed.
And if you still feel anxious: in Manning we trust.
“Now! TRob, now! Tyshawn, now! EJ, and Withey,
On! Teahan, on! Releford, on! Young and Wesley;
Now we’re off to put the kittens back in their crate,
and we know Calipari will probably vacate.”
But I heard him exclaim, as he dashed out of sight-
“Victory will be ours, and to all a good night!”

ROCH CHALK JAYHAWK GO KU!

Dumb poses girls do… gosh couldn’t be more true lol.

Social Media explained in the simplest terms: with donuts.

Mizzouchebag: A Mizzou fan who thinks that MU basketball is their life after one short season of success.

tkaccess:

The old freight elevator in the Watson Library’s stacks at the University of Kansas has been retired after more than 70 years of service. Just goes to show that even elevators can retire with old age!

I met The Band Perry last night and it was one of the most amazing things I’ve ever done!